Bram a Dit (Updated)
by thebookwasbetter101
Summary: Simon Vs. The Homo sapiens Agenda from Bram's Pov. First time I uploaded, something weird happened with the software but I fixed the issues!
1. Chapter 1

All rights reserved to Becky Albertalli

Also, for some reason there's an error with the emails and it keeps deleting the to and from :( I know it's really annoying but bare with me here

There's a lot of the emails from the books, and I'm working on writing the rest. There will be an update soon, hopefully!

 **Chapter 1**

The Creeksecrets Tumblr page- what was I thinking? Everybody at school reads it. What if they find out it's me. I live in Georgia, I don't exactly go to a progressive high school. Oh I can picture it now, people whispering in the hallways when I walk by, throwing around slurs like it's nothing, drawing graphic photos on my locker. Oh God. If anyone finds out, my life will be literal hell. I'm starting to feel nauseated. 5 lines. That's all I wrote. Maybe I should calm down. I only wrote it because I had to let it out. I felt like I had to tell someone, but there's no way in hell I'm doing that, so Creeksecrets it was.

 _When you're with a person you can memorize their gestures, but never know their thoughts._

 _No matter how well you think you know them, people are like houses with vast rooms and tiny windows, and you can try and try to peer through and see all of them but you never will. Yet, we all walk around feeling so exposed anyway. I've never told anyone that I'm gay, yet somehow I feel like everyone can see right through me and know what I'm hiding._

I reread my post again and try to calm myself down. I was very careful to not give out any hints about myself, and I see no way how someone could track this post to me. I take a deep breath and keep reassuring myself that my secret is safe.

"Hey Bram, you ready for dinner?" my mom swings open the door. I jump in my seat and quickly slam my computer shut. She gives me a quizzical look, but thank God she doesn't say anything.

"Uh yeah," I stutter out,"be right there".

When I get back to my room and open my laptop back up, I feel my stomach start to drop. There's a comment under my post. All its says is

 _THIS_

I don't know why, but it makes me feel nervous. What do they mean "THIS"? Are they gay too? Or just lonely anyways? I don't contact the email. Maybe I will, but not yet. Mostly because I have no idea what to say. I, the total english nerd, am utterly and completely speechless.

...

As Garrett and I arrive at school, I immediately spot Simon Spier's rusty red car. I can see him still in his car with his headphones in and mouthing the lyrics. Cue the swarm of butterflies in my stomach. Alright, so I kind of sort of have a massive crush on adorable Simon Spier. I met him through my friend Nick, and we've sat at the same lunch table since freshman year. The very first day I saw him, when he grinned at me with those beautiful grey eyes and his cute dimple in his cheek, I knew I was in trouble. I spend my days at lunch trying not to look at him so I won't stare, but even his voice is like a beacon of light. I don't think I could ever get tired of it. Of course, Simon's had two girlfriends since I've known him, so even if I was ready to be out of the closet, my chances with him are pretty much non existent. Not to mention, I get totally tongue-tied around cute guys. I can't help it. My hands get all sweaty and whenever I try to say something, I wind up stuttering like a lunatic. I'm totally helpless when it comes to my love life.

"Hey Bram?" Garrett brings me back to my senses,"You gonna get out anytime soon? School starts in 2 minutes".

"Oh, sorry" I mumble and I open the door. I guess Simon has realized it's almost time for school too, because as I get out, we stumble into each other and he drops his headphones.

"Shit, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" he says as he scrambles to pick them up. "Oh hey Bram!" He grins at me. Oh god, that grin, I can physically not handle it. I can feel my heart beating faster. "How are you? I'm glad I didn't knock you into the concrete. That would've ruined your day." Oh trust me Simon, it would've made it.

"It's- It's alright. I uh, I got to get to class, bye." I'm groaning at myself. Why can't I seem to form a comprehensible sentence whenever I'm around Simon? It's completely unfair.

I spend English staring at the back of Simon's neck and the rest of my classes picturing what it would feel like to touch it- to touch him. I feel like everyday's the same here. Go to class and stare at Simon, go to class and think about Simon, go to lunch and try not to stare at Simon, more class, soccer practice, sleep, repeat. It's been like that since Freshman year, and let me tell you, I am really ready for some variety. So I start thinking about what I'm going to write in that email.

...

By Friday night, I'm ready to click send. Granted, it's a terrible email, and super short, and it should not have taken me 5 days to come up with, but what else am I supposed to say?

FROM: bluegreen118 

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Sep 3 at 8:43 PM

SUBJECT: Hey

Hey. I saw your comment.

I was wondering if you could clarify for me. What did you mean, "THIS"? Did you mean "THIS" as in 'This is so relatable, I too am a closeted gay kid living in Georgia'? Or "THIS" as in 'This is an abomination and I hate all gay people'? I really hope it's not the latter.

Maybe you should make it a habit to finish your sentences :) But I hope it was a friendly "THIS".

-Blue

...

I have never been more ashamed of my writing.

...

FROM: hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118 

DATE: Sep 5 at 7:58 AM

SUBJECT: Re: Hey

Hey to you too, Blue (hey that rhymed). I'm sorry my comment was so confusing, but it's only because I was freaking speechless after reading your post. It was more of a, "THIS, this is the most brilliant thing I've ever read,". I just kept thinking, he gets it. I have finally found a person who just gets it, you know?

And to answer your question, yes. To the first thing (definitely only the first thing). I am gay. Like gayyyyyyyy. But just like you, nobody knows. It's my huge ass secret in my seemingly normal life.

So I guess we're doing an anonymous thing, right? I mean, I'm definitely not ready for people to know yet, so let's agree right now to keep this anonymous. You can call me Jacques (Yes, I absolutely learned that name in french class don't judge).

Well, signing off

-Jaques

...

FROM: bluegreen118 

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Sep 8 at 5:17 PM

SUBJECT: Re:Hey

Thank God, you have no idea how relieved I am. I have to admit, I was a little nervous when I saw your comment. I just feel like somehow somebody is going to trace that post back to me and the whole school will know my secret. So yes, I completely agree we should stay anonymous. I'm not ready for the world to know my business. And don't worry, Jacques, I think that name is cute and I am definitely not judging you.

So, Jacques, why don't you tell me about yourself?

\- Blue

...

It's been a month and a half now since I've started emailing Jacques, and I'm finding that whenever I receive one of his emails, I get a tiny little flutter in my stomach. I know that when I open the email, the wittiest, most perfect sentences will be written on it. We tell each other just about everything. Okay, well not everything, we still want to stay anonymous after all, so we can't give out too many clues. Except, I _really_ want to know who he is. I know, I know, it's unfair to want to keep my identity a secret yet know his, but I can't help it. I find myself looking at people closely in the hallways, trying to piece together the small trail of clues he's left behind so far. For about three days, I had myself convinced that Jacques was Simon Spier, but let's be honest, that was just wishful thinking.

It's sort of amazing getting to know someone from the inside out though. I've always thought I was better over text than in person due to my fatal to relationships tongue-tied ness. And here's the best part. Whenever I'm smiling at my phone giddy over reading an email, thoughts of a certain perpetual bedhead are almost pushed out of my mind. I think I'm really starting to fall for this Jacques guy. He's funny, and witty, and absolutely adorable. He's perfect. Except for the fact that I still have no idea who he is.

I hear the honk of a horn out front. It's Garrett trying to tell me to hurry up my ass without actually getting out of the car.

"Sup bro, took you long enough" Garrett gives me a pointed look.

"Sorry dude, just daydreaming again".

"Ahhh, I see" he grins wickedly,"so, who's the girl?"

I almost choke, and I'm not even drinking anything.

"Hmm? What- what do you mean?"

"Come on, it's obvious. You're always smiling at your phone and you seem happier, so there's a special someone, right?"

I give a sheepish smile and I feel myself blushing. "Yeah… there's someone".

"So, I repeat, who's the girl?" _The girl._ Why is straight the default?

"I don't know." I mean it's the truth.

"What do you mean you don't know? How do you not freaking know?" Freaking… everything reminds me of Jacques.

"Well, I've never actually met them. We uh, we email."

"Do they go to Creekside?"

"Yeah."

"So you're emailing a stranger you met on the internet and telling them personal information? Has D.A.R.E. taught you nothing, Bram?"

"Guess not," I let out a chuckle.

"Well I'm glad you're happy, man. Just don't give them your credit card information, alright?"

"I promise, I won't."

...

FROM: bluegreen118 

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Oct 16 at 5:49 PM

SUBJECT: When you knew

I'm laughing out loud after that last email. Your dog sure does sound like a handful (he also sounds completely and 100% worth it though).

So I'm curious. When did you realize you were gay?

For me, it's sort of an unfortunate story. For starters, I was in middle school, and nothing good ever happens in middle school. We all sucked so much.

So, I don't think I've told you this, but my parents are divorced (have been since I was 6). My dad got remarried shortly after I started 6th grade. At the wedding reception, my step mom had her entire family there, and let me tell you (I can't believe I'm saying this), her cousin was gorgeous. He was like, drop dead in the middle of the dance floor gorgeous. I think he was around 23 at the time, and I was 12, but since I was such a sucky middle school child, I didn't think that was a problem.

Anyways, so I spent the whole day thinking he was coming on to me, and I loved every moment of it. He would pass me the salt, and our hands would barely touch. We would make eye contact for a second and my breath would catch. He asked me where I went to school, and I seriously thought he was in love with me (because small talk was obviously not a thing yet). By the end of the night, I had built up so much sexual tension in my mind that I swear I was about to burst. Then I saw him making out with a bridesmaid, and I was heartbroken. I spent the entire next week crying. I think my parents assumed it was because I was upset my dad was getting remarried. But that's definitely not why. He was my sexual awakening, and I was heartbroken. It's a good think I've found someone new to obsess over ;)

-Blue

...

Okay, I gave him another clue. My parents are divorced, so that drops about half of our high school population from fitting my description. I know we agreed to keep it anonymous, but I sort of want him to know who I am, I'm just scared that he's going to be disappointed. He's probably expecting some white boy (because white is another default in Georgia). I'm afraid that if he finds out it's me, I'm going to lose him. But dropping a few clues can't hurt, right?

...

FROM: hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118 

DATE: Oct 17 at 12:06 AM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

That's a pretty sexy story, Blue. I mean, middle school is like this endless horror show. Well, maybe not endless, because it ended, but it really burns into your psyche. I don't care who you are. Puberty is merciless.

I'm curious- have you seen him since your dad's wedding?

I don't even know when I figured it out. It was a bunch of little things. Like this weird dream I had once about Daniel Radcliffe. Or how I was obsessed with Passion Pit in middle school, and then I realized it wasn't really about the music.

And then in eighth grade, I had this girlfriend. It was one of those things where you're "dating" but you don't ever go anywhere outside of school. And you don't really do anything in school either. I think we held hands. So, we went to the eighth-grade dance as a couple, but my friends and I spent the whole night eating Fritos and spying on people from under the bleachers. And at one point, this random girl comes up to me and tells me my girlfriend is waiting in front of the gym. I was supposed to go out there and find her, and I guess we were supposed to make out. In that closed-mouth middle school way.

So, here's my proudest moment: I ran and hid like a freaking preschooler in the bathroom. Like, in the stall with the door closed, crouched up on the toilet so my legs wouldn't show. As if the girls were going to break in and bust me. Honest to God, I stayed there for the entire evening. And then I never spoke to my girlfriend again.

Also, it was Valentine's Day. Because I'm that classy. So, yeah, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I definitely knew at that point. Except I've had two other girlfriends since then.

Did you know that this is officially the longest email I've ever written? I'm not even kidding. You may actually be the only person who gets more than 140 characters from me. That's kind of awesome, right?

Anyway, I think I'll sign off here. Not going to lie. It's been kind of a weird day.

-Jacques

...

He's had two girlfriends since high school. You know who's had two girlfriends in high school?

Simon Spier.

Okay, okay, I know. There's probably about 200 guys who've had two girlfriends in high school, I need to stop thinking like this.

But oh my God, those sentence fragments don't even bother me. They're adorable. And the fact that I'm the only one. I can't help it, I let out a sigh… the only one.

...

FROM: bluegreen118 

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Oct 17 at 8:46 PM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

I'm the only only one? That's definitely kind of awesome. I'm really honored, Jacques. It's funny, because I don't really email either. And I never talk about this stuff with anyone. Only you.

For what it's worth, I think it would be incredibly depressing if your actual proudest moment happened in middle school. You can't imagine how much I hated middle school. Remember the way people would look at you blankly and say,"Um, okaaay," after you finished talking? Everyone just had to make it so clear that, whatever you were thinking or feeling, you were totally alone. The worst part, of course, was that I did the same thing to other people. It makes me a little nauseated just remembering that.

So, basically, what I'm trying to say is that you should really give yourself a break. We were all awful then.

To answer your question, I've seen him a couple times since the wedding- probably twice a year or so. My stepmother seems to have a lot of family reunions and things. He's married, and I think his wife is pregnant now. It's not awkward, exactly, because the whole thing was in my head. It's really amazing, isn't it? Someone can trigger your sexual identity crisis and not have a clue they're doing it. Honestly, he probably still thinks of me as his cousin's weird twelve-year-old stepson.

So I guess this is the obvious question, but I'll ask it anyway: If you knew you were gay, how did you end up having girlfriends?

Sorry about your weird day.

-Blue

FROM: hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118 

DATE: Oct 18 at 11:15 PM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

Blue,

Yup, the dreaded "okaaay." Always accompanied by arched eyebrows and a mouth twisted into a condescending little butthole. And yes, I said it, too. We all sucked so much in middle school.

I guess the girlfriend thing is a little hard to explain. Everything just sort of happened. The eighth-grade relationship was a total mess, obviously, so that was different. As for to other two: basically, they were friends, and then I found out they liked me, and then we started dating. And then we broke up, and both of them dumped me, and it was all pretty painless. I'm still friends with the girl I dated freshman year.

Honestly, though? I think the real reason I had girlfriends was because I didn't one hundred percent believe I was gay. Or maybe I didn't think it was permanent.

I know you're probably thinking: "Okaaaaaaay."

-Jacques

FROM: bluegeen118 

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Oct 19 at 8:01 AM

SUBJECT: The obligatory…

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy.

(Eyebrows, butthole mouth, etc.)

-Blue

...

He's still friends with the girl he dated freshman year. Simon and Anna dated freshman year- they sit at the same lunch table. Okay, I seriously need to stop this. The universe is not kind enough to make the guy I've had a crush on for 3 years not only gay, but the guy I'm falling in love with over email. Falling in love with… did I just think that? I guess it's sort of true.

But the point is, the universe is not that kind. Not. That. Kind.

At lunch today, I notice Simon talking to Martin Addison, and when he gets to the table, he seems really pissed off. I want nothing more than to hug him and ask if he's okay, and to comfort him. But I know I can't do that, so I just eat my Oreos in silence.

...

"What do you mean you're not coming!?" Garrett half shouts.

"Look man, I really wish I could, but I told my mom I would stay at home and pass out candy so she can go on her date, I'm sorry."

"But it's not a party without my best friend."

"Oh come on, you're just going to be trying to make a move on Leah the entire time."

"What? Noooo," I give him a pointed look," Alright fine, that might be true, but what if your email friend is there? This could be your chance to finally meet her!"

I have to admit, I have been thinking about that quite a lot. What if Garrett's Halloween party is my chance to figure out who Jacques is? I know I would be thrilled if it somehow someway turned out to be Simon, but it could be literally anyone, I wouldn't care. Because I'm falling, and I'm falling fast. Simon's just a crush, Jacques is… well, something else. But alas, I promised my mom, and I don't break promises.

"I'm sorry Garrett, but I'm not coming, and that's that."

"Alright fine, but you owe me."

"Okay sure, Waffle House, on me".

"Deal, and you have to tell me more about that girl you've been emailing." God, please don't bring Jacques into this. I guess as long as I'm careful, it couldn't hurt…

"Deal".

...

We find a booth by the window and immediately order some milkshakes. Once we're happily sipping away, Garrett doesn't waste a second before getting to business.

"So, tell me about her man. What's she like?" he pesters.

"Well she's," my heart sort of twinges at the pronoun,"- she's super witty, and sarcastic, but also really sweet at the same time, and she always knows what to say and when to say it. He,"- oh no. I cough to try and cover my mistake,"ahem- she can just always make me smile I guess."

"Oh my God, you sound like a twelve year old boy," I blush. "It's really sweet though," he says.

"Not to mention, she's absolutely adorable, I can't handle it," I admit.

"Wait, hold up! You found out who she is?"

"No," I look at him confused.

"Then how is she adorable? You haven't even seen her."

"Not everything's about appearance Garrett," I roll my eyes. "I mean, the way she writes is adorable. Like, the things she says, and the way she doesn't always finish her sentences, and the way she makes me feel like I'm the only one that matters. Talking to her is just so easy, you know?"

"Man, you're really falling for this chick."

"Yeah, I am," I admit," but hey, you're one to talk. You're the one who's completely obsessed with Leah."

Now it's Garrett's turn to blush. "I wouldn't say _obsessed_ per se, I like her sure, but-" I cut him off.

"Oh please, I'm your best friend you can't fool me, man. You are so obsessed with her, yet you're too afraid to make a move."

"You're the one who's falling for a girl he hasn't even met!" Oh but I have met them Garrett. Sure, maybe not in person, but I know Jacques like the palm of my own hand.

...

FROM: bluegreen118 

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Oct 30 at 7:09 AM

SUBJECT: hollow wieners

Get it? ;)

So Halloween's tomorrow… are you planning on dressing up? I could totally picture you in something really scary- like a vampire or a zombie (since you're always so tired). I feel like it would suit you, even though you're really just a big softie.

Now, now, I know what you're thinking Jacques, and no, nobody sees you as cynical.

As for me, I think I'm skipping the costume this year. Just going to go as the scariest thing to me: myself.

-Blue

FROM: hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118 

DATE: Oct 30 at 9:56 PM

SUBJECT: Re: hollow wieners

Blue,

I guess I never tried to pull off something truly scary. My family is really all about the funny costumes. We used to get competitive about whose costume would make my dad laugh the hardest. My sister was a trash can one year. Not Oscar the Grouch. Just a trash can full of trash. And I was pretty much a one-trick pony. The boy-in-a-dress concept never got old (until it did, I guess- I was in fourth grade and had this amazing flapper costume, but then I looked in the mirror and felt this electric shock of mortification).

Now, I'll say I aim for the sweet spot of simplicity and badassery. I can't believe you're not dressing up. Don't you realize you're throwing away the perfect opportunity to be someone else for an evening?

Disappointedly yours,

-Jacques

...

The beat of my heart doubles in pace. I seem to remember Nick and Simon joking around at lunch about Halloween costumes. Something along the lines of, "Dude, do you remember that year Nora dressed up as a trashcan?"

It's wishful thinking, I know… but can all of these clues really just be a coincidence? Maybe… but I can't help it, I start to hear Simon's voice in my head as I read the emails- I try not to, but I can't get it out.

...

FROM: bluegreen118 

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Oct 31 at 8:11 AM

SUBJECT: re: hollow wieners

Jacques,

Sorry to disappoint. I'm not opposed to dressing up, and you make a compelling case for it. I completely see the appeal of being someone else for the evening (or in general). Actually, I was a bit of a one-trick pony myself when I was little. I was always a superhero. I guess I liked to imagine myself having this complicated secret identity. Maybe I still do. Maybe that's the whole point of these emails.

Anyway, I'm not dressing up this year, because I'm not going out. My mom has some kind of work party, so I'm stuck at home on chocolate duty. I'm sure you understand that there's nothing sadder than a sixteen year-old boy home alone on Halloween answering the door in full costume.

Your family sounds interesting. How did you talk your parents into buying you dresses? I bet you were an awesome flapper. Did your parents try to ruin all your costumes by making them weather appropriate? I remember throwing this ridiculous tantrum one year because THE GREEN LANTERN DOES NOT WEAR A TURTLENECK. Though, in retrospect, he actually kind of does. Sorry, Mom!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your day off from being Jacques. And I hope everyone likes your ninja costume (that has to be it, right? The perfect mix of simple and badass?).

-Blue

FROM: hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118 

DATE: Oct 31 at 8:25 AM

SUBJECT: Re: hollow wieners

A ninja? Suck a good guess, but no dice.

-Jacques

.

FROM:hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118 

DATE: Oct 31 at 8:26 AM

SUBJECT: Re: hollow wieners

Aaaah- autocorrect fail. DICK a good guess.

.

FROM: hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118 

DATE: Oct 31 at 8:28 AM

SUBJECT: Re: hollow wieners

GAHHHHH!

SUCH a good guess. SUCH. Jesus Christ. This is why I never write you from my phone.

Anyway, I'm going to go die of embarrassment now

-J

.

I can't help it. As I read his emails at my locker (something I usually avoid doing in case someone sees- but I couldn't wait when I saw three emails in a row) I laugh out loud. Jacques has fallen victim to the concept of auto correct and I think it made him even cuter.

I'm also keeping my eyes peeled for costumes that are "simple but badass", because let's be honest, although I have a sneaking suspicion that he's someone with messy hair and grey eyes, I am dying to know who Jacques is- for real.

As I spot a certain perpetual bedhead walking down the hall, I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

Simon is wearing cat ears with a cat tail pinned to his jeans- and although he looks adorable, not exactly what I would call "badass".

Except, knowing Jacques, maybe that was a total joke. Maybe he's just trying to throw me off his scent. Maybe he has a different costume that he's going to wear later. Maybe he … maybe I'm making up ideas in my head to justify the possibility that Simon could be him.

Yup. I am definitely doing that. I seriously need to get it together.

...

"Looking good, Ma," I say as she does a little spin screaming 'hey! Look at me!'. "All of this for a work party?"

She's going as a vampire, and she's wearing a tight fitted dress that's a little too short for my liking.

She smiles sheepishly. "Well, there might be someone _at_ work who I've deemed, uh, worthy of a little extra effort."

I cringe,"I don't want to know".

"Alright well I'm going to head out. Behave yourself, I love you."

"Love you too, Ma."

She starts heading towards the door, but when she's half way outside she turns around and says," Honey, are you sure you're okay staying here and passing out candy. You know, you could put out a bowl…"

"Ma, it's fine, I told you I could so I am." Also, if I don't stay her and pass out candy, I would have to go to Garrett's party, and let's be honest, even though Jacques might be there, I've never really been much of a party person. Plus, it's not like I'd know who he was yet, I would probably just spend the whole party thinking about how cute Simon looks in his cat ears.

She sighs,"Okay, sweetie. Don't wait up." And then she deadass winks at me. I don't even want to think about what she's trying to imply… gross.

By the end of the night, I've had 13 total trick or treaters, so long story short, I'm spending my evening curled up in a blanket eating reese's pieces and watching Iron Man (the first one, which is the best one, duh). However, the entire time I'm just thinking about how nice it would be to have Jacques cuddled up on the couch next to me. And I know it's unlikely, but I still can't stop imagining him without Simon's adorable face. And I also know that doing this is just going to make me fall further for Simon as I fall further for Jacques, but for some reason my brain can't seem to separate the two. He's distracting me from my favorite movie and he's not even here.

I hear my phone ding and I feel the swarm of bees in my stomach prepare for a new email- but they quickly go away as I see it's just a text from Garrett.

 **Garrett:** Hey man, how was babysitting

 **Me:** I wasn't babysitting, I was passing out candy

 **Garrett** : Same thing

 **Me** : It's really not

 **Garrett** : Whatever

 **Me** :*rolling eyes emoji*

 **Me** : So, how'd the party go

 **Garrett** : It was fine I guess, Leah was too obsessed with

Nick to pay attention to me

 **Me** : Did he have his guitar?

 **Garrett** : Yeah, so?

 **Me:** Well, to be fair, Nick is kind of irresistible

when he's singing

 **Me** : Or at least I would imagine

 **Garrett** : Maybe I should learn how to sing

 **Me:** Not exactly something you can learn buddy

 **Me:** Except, they do always say humor is the way to the heart.

I bet your singing voice would make her laugh at least


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

FROM: bluegreen118

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Nov 1 at 11:12 AM

SUBJECT: Re: hollow wieners

Jacques,

I hope your Halloween was excellent, and that your simplicity and badassery hit the mark. Things were really quiet around here. We only had about six trick-or-treaters. Of course, that means I am contractually obligated to eat the leftover Reese's cups.

I can't believe it's already almost homecoming. I'm excited about it. Make no mistake, football is still my least favorite sport, but I actually really like going to the homecoming game. I guess it's something about the lights and the drumbeats and the scent of the air. Fall air always smells like possibility. Or maybe I just like ogling the cheerleaders. You know me.

Are you doing anything interesting this weekend? We're supposed to have suck nice weather. Excuse me, dick nice weather. :)

-Blue

 **...**

FROM: hourtohournotetonote

TO: bluegreen118

DATE: Nov 1 at 5:30 PM

SUBJECT: Reese's are better than sex

Very funny, Blue. VERY FUNNY.

Anyway, I'm sorry you got stuck at home last night for only six trick-or-treaters. What a waste. Next year, couldn't you just stick the bowl on the porch with a note telling the kids to take two? Granted, the kids in my neighborhood would have taken candy by the fistful cackling with villainous laughter, and they probably would have peed on the note for good measure. But maybe the kids in your neighborhood are more civilized.

But seriously, leftover Reese's? Is it possible to send chocolate over email these days? PLEASE SAY IT IS.

My Halloween wasn't bad. I won't say too much about it. But I ended up going to this guy's party. I don't think it was really my scene, but it was definitely interesting. I guess it was nice to step out of my comfort zone (wait- I didn't just ruin my chance of convincing you I'm a hardcore party ninja, right?).

So, I keep thinking about the idea of secret identities. Do you ever feel locked into yourself? I'm not sure if I'm making sense here. I guess what I mean is that sometimes it seems like everyone knows who I am except me.

Okay, I'm glad you mentioned homecoming, because I totally forgot that Spirit Week is this week. Monday is Decades Day, right? I guess I should check online so I can avoid making an ass of myself. Honestly, I can't believe they schedule Spirit Week right after Halloween. Creekwood really blows its load on costume days all at once. How do you think you'll dress up for Monday? I know you're not going to answer that.

And I totally figured you'd be ogling the cheerleaders on Friday, because you're all about the ladies. Me too, Blue. Me too.

-Jacques

…

I'm smiling like an idiot at my laptop. Although, it kind of twinges my heart a bit to think that Jacques is not a virgin, the same fact also makes it beat like 10 times faster. You know… imagining it.

See here's the thing. I've reached the point of no return with Jacques. He could be anyone and I wouldn't care. He could be freaking Martin Addison (wow Jacques is starting to rub off on me) and I wouldn't care. I'd still be crazy about him. Sure, I keep hearing Simon's voice in my head, but it only makes sense to imagine the person you've liked for three years being your secret romantical email partner when you don't know their true identity. But this thing with Jacques, it's different than how I feel about Simon. This is real. I'm just afraid that Jacques doesn't feel the same way. I'm afraid that when he finds out who I really am, he's going to stop emailing me and I'll lose him. And I can't lose him, not yet. Maybe not ever.

…

FROM: bluegreen118

TO: hourtohournotetonote

DATE: Nov 2 at 1:43 PM

SUBJECT: Re: Reese's are better than sex

Reese's are better than sex? Admittedly, I wouldn't know, but I have to hope you're wrong about that one. Maybe you should stop having heterosexual sex, Jacques. I'm just saying.

The kids in your neighborhood sound really charming. Urine isn't a huge issue here, so maybe next year, I'll take your advice. It will probably be moot, anyway, because my mom almost never goes out. She just can't keep up with your party ninja ways, Jacques. :)

I completely understand what you mean about feeling locked into yourself. For me, I don't even think it has anything to do with other people thinking they know me. It's more that I want to leap in and say certain things and do certain things, but I always seem to hold myself back. I think a big part of me is afraid. Even thinking about it makes me nauseated. Did I mention I get nauseated easily?

Of course, that's the exact reason I don't want to say anything about Spirit Week and costumes. I don't want you to put two and two together and figure out who I am. Whatever it is we're doing here, I don't think it works if we know each other's real identities. I have to admit that it makes me nervous to think of you as someone actually connected with my life, rather than a mostly anonymous person on the internet. Obviously, some of the things I've told you about myself are things I've never talked about with anyone. I don't know, Jacques- there's something about you that makes me want to open up, and that's slightly terrifying for me.

I hope this isn't too awkward. I know you were kidding when you asked what costume I was going to wear, but I wanted to put this out there- just in case it wasn't entirely a joke? I have to admit I'm curious about you sometimes, too.

-Blue

P.S. I'm attaching a Reese's cup to this email. I hope this is what you had in mind.

…

I spent hours deleting and rewriting that email. I wanted to make sure I got my point across without sounding too harsh. Although, saying I'm curious about him sometimes is a bit of a drastic understatement. I'm desperate to know who he is. I spend almost every hour of my day thinking about it. I find myself picking out details from his emails and trying to see if they fit with people I know. So far, I can still only come up with one reasonable guess, but I'm still not getting my hopes up. Though, I don't really know if it matters at this point. Simon or not, I'll love Jacques no matter what.

…

For Spirit Week, Wednesday is gender bender day. It's simple really, boys dress as girls, and girls dress as guys. Every year Garrett and Nick force me to dress up as a cheerleader. I guess I just always have felt kind of insecure about it. It's not that I'm not sure of my masculinity- I'm gay but I've always felt like a dude. It's just that it's the type of thing people get called gay for. If I did it any other day of the year, I would be tormented for a year. It just doesn't really seem right to me how these kids are fine with it this one day, but tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

I'm squished in the corner of the back couch in Mr. Wise's class when I notice Simon's wearing these cute little hair clips. Subtle- yet adorable, and so totally Simon. I smile and shake my head.

…

Friday comes around and I'm completely ready to go ogle some cheerleaders at the homecoming game. Ha- I'm smiling at my own joke. Too bad the only other person who would understand it is Jacques. Which is another reason I'm even more excited for the game than usual; he might be there. I like thinking of that. Us in the same place at the same time- possibly even sitting on the same bleachers. Of course I realize we go to the same school, but something about Homecoming just makes it feel more… I don't know, romantic? If that makes any sense.

I'm sitting next to Garrett on the bleachers when I spot Simon (and Nick) waltink towards us. Cue the increase of my heartbeat and the butterflies in my stomach… great. Garrett scoots over towards me to make room for them, but there isn't really any, and Simon winds up basically sitting on Nick's lap. Man have I never wished more that I was Nick's lap… heh heh heh. Okay, okay, I need to stop I know. I know I'm not technically dating, but this somehow feels like I'm cheating on Jacques (even though my sneaking suspicion is growing ever larger). But I still can't help but feel disappointed when Simon gets up to go sit by the drama kids, sitting way too close to Cal Price for my liking. Way too close.


End file.
